I’m getting into the habit of writing everyday. So much of my life is flying by, so much happens each day, and all I want is to savor and remember each morsel.
It’s October 22nd, and I just got home. Candles are lit, and I’m sitting on my laptop, naked in bed, aside from a poncho, panties, and my orange sunnies, to protect mis ojos from the bright light of my screen.
Today I woke up from a strange, restless night. I stayed up thinking about Lore. How fast we got together, clicked, and flew out of each other’s lives again. I miss him. Part of me wants to write everything down, so I remember all that’s happened in our time apart.
It’s been a lot. I went over every detail, remembering our meeting, seeing him in his element, the attraction that pulled us together, our hesitations, and eventual resignation to desire. We work. We click, like the satisfying snap of a button. It just makes sense, no strenuous efforts necessary.
My heart beats faster when I think about him.
The night he left was surreal. We said goodbye so quickly, and soon I was crammed between the rest of the people he’d left behind. I was sad and withdrawn, sitting between words of little substance, slamming down churros with no challenge or rest.
But the next night was remarkable. My friends to my rescue, I spent the day with Tayne, leading up to a full moon event Celine hosted. I asked if I could partake, and she accepted. So I helped run it, offering whatever services I could. Chairs were carried and assembled, money was collected, introductions were made, and events were facilitated. We did good, we work well together. There is a simpatico energia between us, I think.
Diego kicked up the circle with cacao and mediation, inviting us to ponder our intentions, as we sip in unison. Heart medicine. We shared intentions, and listened to one another. (Mine was to heal through love.) Then Celine led us upstairs for an ecstatic dance. Which was much more calm than I had anticipated. We respected each other’s spaces, felt the music move through our limbs, and flowed, for what felt like a really long, comforting stretch. The vibes changed throughout the evening, opening all of our hearts, minds, and bodies, and connecting the group in the safest haven. Perfect for the next juncture; open mic.
A Swedish girl Marya read a poem, and Jack and Celine played Evanescense, inviting the crowd to join. I read my poetry, flowing with confidence, stepping into power. “I’m gonna read a bunch of things, we’ll see how it goes. Sorry in advance, Celine.” I laughed at myself on stage. It was good to use my voice. People were so receptive, and kind. “Thank you, I’ve never done this before. This last one is very personal, and I’m a crier.” I laughed again, and read my break up poem to Bronze, of course, shedding tears, but flowing anyways. There were lots of shoulder squeezes. Aaron told me I’m amazing. A woman hugged me and thanked my for my vulnerability. I felt reassured, and at ease, to be so well received for my gifts.
More people shared. John played guitar, Marya read another poem, Marnie shared her book, Aaron shared a story about an unstable elephant in India. Diego played guitar. Finally I said fuck it, I’m gonna sing a song and I shared Comet Dream. It wasn’t a great performance, but it was fun to share out loud. Someone hollered, “that voice!” And I said I didn’t know about it, but thanked them anyway. We need to spread our wings, and share our gifts. Why else are they called that, anyway?
The night died down, and lots of hugs were exchanged. The energy told me we were a success. (So many people, at least 3 people, told me individually that they love my energy, and it was such a reassurance that I am truly being myself.)
The next day I woke up happy. Invigorated, and motivated to do more. I compiled my songs. I organized my writing. I listened to my voice. I asked the tarot what to do, it strongly suggested moving on, for my own harmony. (The Tower, 7 of swords, 4 of cups, 2 of cups, 8 of cups reversed, 6 of swords reversed, the World, the 9 of cups, and Strength…All implying things need to break, because of deception, leading to apathy. The challenge is making peace, harmony, and balance, but acting out of smugness. The burden is moving on from past pain, to reach this harmony. More work, perseverance, and strength is needed.) My friends tell me I need to move on, but I understand the complicated nuances more intimately than they do, of course. They mean well, and side with everything I feel, but I know the situation is sticky, and stressful for so many reasons. There is a distinction in running away and becoming free.
Then I asked the cards if I should stay in Mexico. The response was overwhelmingly positive. Queen of cups, The fool again, 9 of pentacles, 5 of pentacles, The Wheel of Fortune, 3 of swords reversed, The Sun, The Knave of Wands, and the Lovers. Jesus, man. I’m trying to master my emotions, and lead with my empathy, because of this new, mysterious journey. I am jumping into the unknown. My opportunity here is the independence gained from the fruits of my labor. My challenge is my relationship with money. Fa sho. But help is present, if I’m willing to see it. My question is whether or not I take this opportunity while luck is on my side. My burden is releasing the heartbreak and suffering of my past, healing, and moving forward. My task is to follow joy, enlightenment, through the pursuit of knowledge. Another way to see this is I’m honoring my inner child, and inner flame, for my passions. This is the spark of creation and inspiration. And my solution is love. Of course.
This shit hits every time.
The day went on from there. Writing, meeting up with the Casa Jasmine familia, having a meal, talking, walking, playing a game, eating churros. Life is beautiful. Afif made us plans for dia de los muertos, Diana planned Palenque. Things are falling into the right places.
Today I shopped with Ellyn, we shared breakfast and walked around town, thrifting. I got some nice Mexican skirts, that hug my body in the most flattering ways. We talked about womanhood, and petted street dogs outside Casa. Then we parted and Afif invited me for ice cream. The whole gang tagged along. I got lavanda, it tasted like sweet, frozen flowers. Peter, Mitch, Abdul, Amita, Afif and I cut through the streets together. There’s something about traveling in a posse that will always fill me up. Gang gang gang shit.
We went up to kinoki and drank tea, then back out to Taco Rodeo for some insane tacos. Best meat I’ve had so far in Mexico. I’m back home now, writing, thinking, relaxing. I’ve been giving so much time to others lately, but never forgetting myself. I’m finding balance. Not trying to lose myself in anyone, but I know I need some love and care from me as well. It felt good to buy something for myself today. And good to come home early to shower and cover myself in CBD. I know my body needs a break from all the energies of the people surrounding. But I’m happy. Felizidad siempres en Mexico.
This photo was taken at the top of Iglesias Guadalupe in San Cristobal de las Casas, Mexico
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