Sagittarius New Moon
Does your life have a sense of meaning or have you lost it?
What is your truth or are you unaware of it?
How often do you go on an adventure?
Is there something new or something that you’ve put off you want to explore?
Have you been feeling bored?
Try something you have never done
Take time from others simply to contemplate larger questions.
I’ve always moved through life on a spiritual frequency. Only soul food fills me, only passion gets me active. I can be the worst;
most lazy, uninterested person when it comes to something uninteresting to me
When I’m motivated I can be a force
Its a tight rope walk—its a mystery, its a fallacy
Never easy to tell when something to get me on my feet or not
The meaning of my life is a choice—what I have chosen to give my attention and effort to is expression.
It is highly selfish and quite possibly self absorbed. I can’t think of another thing that gets me moving as art can.
Painting, drawing, design, photography, film, music, cooking, clothing, trees…the thing is, everything is art.
Art is all around me—viewing the world in this romantic lens is the best decision for me.
It’s the only way I know how to be excited in this life. How to appreciate, how to fall in love, how to energize.
I can be so fucking lazy. So laid out, unmotivated and lost.
Depression amplifies what is my natural state—twisting relaxation to poisonous anxiety- get up!
Balance is needed, accepting what comes natural to me, my natural state, and finding my motivation
What gets me up, gets me excited, tickles my desire to stand, to move, to run towards something.
I don’t want to be apathetic. I don’t want to be too cool to care. I care, I feel, deeply, about most things.
So expression. I find meaning, salvation, purpose in creation. Baring myself for others. Probing humanity for truth.
My truth is in my hands but blurry somehow. Like a lost artifact; in piece, dusty, coded in some ancient tongue.
I can feel it in my heart but it’s not always clear. There is this karmic assumption, conviction that everything is going to happen for me.
Faith, I’ve got.
( I’ve always moved through life on a spiritual frequency. Only soul food fills me. )
Adventure and I had a falling out. The last two years are my cold case—the shit needs solving. I’m learning how to trust, how to push myself outside, how to explore, with much reluctance. Agoraphobia, anxiety, excuses that make no sense out loud, and guilt blend one sickening cocktail. I haven’t gone out of my comfort zone since Hong Kong. Dragon’s back and Shek O Beach proved to me I can rely on myself. I can find my own way with nothing but a backpack.
Since then I’ve slipped back in mundane tasking—I want to go out but have no purpose, no funds, no drive. Here I sit, laptop in lap, buying a seat for a few hours with a single matcha latte. A worthy price to pay for sorted thoughts and sunshine—all under $1.50.
What is missing? There is shit I want to do and yet I haven’t taken the plunge. I want to go to an art show. I want inspiration. I want to sing and write music. I want to play with a guitar. I want to ride a bike. I want to drive as far as I can, like swimming into the ocean til my arms and lungs hurt. I want to photograph everything. I want to put my shit out there. I want to speak Vietnamese and shop at wet markets and laugh with others. I want tattoos from all over the world. I want to feel the sun everyday. I want to practice martial arts and discipline my body. I want to read philosophy, theory and fiction. I want to write something that matters. I want a connection that matters.
What the fuck is stopping me? Fear? Something as pitiful as fear?
I moved to another country this year. How can fear stop me from doing all these simple, small things that are going to optimize my life and happiness. Things that can open my mind, spirit, train my body, enrich my senses. I don’t understand the reluctance.
Do I feel I don’t deserve everything I want? How do I beat that out of my system? Is it simple laziness? Do I REALLY want these things or to do…nothing? Is that a guilty conscience compensation? Perhaps a bit of both, as usual the truth goes.
In any case. Tomorrow is your day off. I suggest a long walk, sweating, eating well, bringing a camera, drawing paper. I’ve agreed to go out tonight and meet Dahlia for dinner tomorrow. I will socialize and have fun with other people! Your love for Bronze is beautiful, inspiring and pure but please don’t kill your own time pining. You both want to be together so badly but you can’t just rush time through the phone. Inevitably, February will come. By then, I want to show for more than a phone bill.
By February
Have a bike. Jesus, as soon as possible.
Have a guitar
Know some polite Vietnamese
Design and promote pieces for Super Neutral
Finish and submit Shadow Self piece
Apply to more gallery residencies
Talk to people. Make some friends.
Explore more of Vietnam, have gone back to the beach
Be enrolled in a martial arts class
Read everyday
Write to people you know regularly
Have some money in the back ready to move
Explore art workshops/showcasing/sales here
What are you waiting for? This is your life, your move, your decision. It's your time.
This photo was taken at the mouth of the Mekong Delta in Vietnam
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