July 19th 2021 at 8:21 AM

25 Look alive

In what can only be called one of my life’s most turbulent years, I found stability. It lives in hold of my own feet on the ground.

24 was a rush of action; setting out my visions with eager and being turned back to the drawing board again and again. A never-ending universal game of negotiations and compromises.

This year has shown me my strength, resilience and an adaptability I never would have guessed I possessed. My birthday was spent inside, locked down heavy in Vietnam. But even from inside my small, comforting apartment, I was reached by so much love. This time was so trying I’d almost forgot the people I’d met and those who have touched my soul throughout the years. Thank you to those who sent me loving messages, your presence is felt in my heart.

This photo was taken on my 25th birthday, inside my apartment in Vietnam

June 26th 2021 at. 10:27 AM

Ai Yai Yai

Fuckin’ A.

Mid-2021. Summer solstice. Capricorn Full Moon, and four planets in retrograde. Back in Lockdown.

This last month has been a shit-show.

So many things have changed around me and challenged my lines of comfort and security.

Vietnam is back in serious lockdown. We can’t go outside, walk in parks, eat out, meet outside, everything is back indoors. It threatens the comfort I absolutely grew accustomed to and took for granted. Unfortunately. Each day inside has pushed my mental health to a familiar brink, reminiscent of the last lockdown in 2020. It is horrifying to think of the pandemic’s hold on the planet, how time loses its meaning as the virus presses on, pausing our lives indefinitely. The question of my purpose and fulfillment presents itself each day as I sit alone in the house, biding my life away.

A staggering number of my friends and integral community has gone. Sofia back in Spain, Grace is back in Ireland, Brendan has moved on to Thailand, Lindsay’s status here has been seriously threatened, Marisse is returning to South Africa and now Bronze tells me he’s headed for Europe in two months. I’m dumbfounded. Our relationship has been through absolute hell in the last three months. My body is so stressed through these changes that my period is almost two weeks off. It’s alarming, and heavily overwhelming.

As for me, the entire trajectory of my life is thrown. I’ll be 25 next month, in three weeks.

25.

I have no idea what the future has in store anymore. If I’ll stay in Vietnam, if I’ll be able to revisit the US, if I’ll end up in Europe with Bronze, if we’ll make it work and last. There’s been so much turbulence its hard to count on anything.

And what do I want? Through this pause I come up empty, and feel more lost than ever.

I thought what I wanted was so clear. To live a freeing, creative, international life. I still do, but the details fog every time I try to hone in.

What am I even qualified to do, that I would do?

I have this aching feeling I might end up back in the part-time service industry. Its not bad, but theres no room for growth when it comes to jobs, as opposed to careers.

My career is in art. But my jobs are for money. This is the compartmentalization I’ve long adopted and thought I accepted. But as I get older, it just worries me.

So how do I align with my higher purpose? I mean, what the fuck do I do? This is my panicked question.

Taken from Marisse's balcony, HCMC, Vietnam

June 16th 2021 at 9:52 AM

3 months over

Insane how this reality has taken hold.

How I never would have guessed it could.

The duality of the situation amazes me, I’ve been so confused for so long.

How things have shifted and folded in on itself.

We think we want from each other but its insecurity and damage shining on.

You bring my wounds to the surface, even the ones that are unfair to you.

I met you at such a fragile time. I was so hurt and alone, pushing through on my own.

What I always found in you was home.

My love for you will never go.

I want you to know that above all, I love you the most.

I’m not even mad at you no mo’.

Time is the teacher, and I see where you stood.

Afraid to speak. Afraid to hurt. Afraid to say what’s on the mind.

Feels like our timing is falling off, becoming misaligned.

You told me you can’t make my eyes work when you weren’t getting what you want.

Absorbing feeling like a hug through a bullet proof vest.

There’s a guard up front.

I wanna feel warm when you glow but sometimes it burns too far.

Why did you have to push me away before you grabbed me close?

Marisse said things have to be emotional before physical, and the emotions are what’s broke.

Feel like I’m being dragged through a dance I don’t know.

You said my eyes don’t work but I see someone else when I look at you now.

What I need is still room. Farther than before.

I don’t see you the same way anymore.

It’s weird how I can love you and feel this worry in my brow.

I love you Bronze but I need to be alone.

Loving you is easy and all I’ve ever known.

But we have to love ourselves for both of us to grow.

I don’t expect you to wait, I just wanted you to know,

You’ll never lose me cause that door will never close.

(I see your effort and strides and I’m proud of you for them.

I know you’re on your way to be a better man.

Starting over means starting from scratch,

Clean slates mean taking steps back.

How can anything between us be over?

Where is my love for you supposed to go?

Always said my biggest fear was losing you.

Don’t want to leave your life, I’m here for you.

The relationship I need from you is friend,

That’s why I always hate when you say end.)

I love you and I need to be alone, but you’ll never lose me cause that door could never close.